alwaysawarbler | "I know I'm not alone, just adolescents you and I."

Entry tags:

"I know I'm not alone, just adolescents you and I."

Who:

warble_on_jeff
What: Pressures of teen life
Where: Nick and Jeff's dorm roon, Dalton Academy
When: Saturday night
Rating: Sexual references

Nick's head was stooped low as he made his way up the spiral staircase of Dalton to head to the dorm wing where the room he shared with Jeff was located. He had his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket and it was probably good the halls were mostly deserted, because he probably would have bumped into someone from not really watching where he was going. He was home a lot earlier than had been anticipated, but there was a reason for that. The anxiety inside him had his stomach in knots, and his head in a swirl of confusion. Maybe he really was coming down with something? It would explain why things hadn't gone according to his girlfriend's plan...

He got to their room and unlocked it with his key. His appearance was a little dishevelled, clothing a little rumpled, hair messed up. He just nudged the door shut behind him and dumped his keys, wallet and cell phone onto his desk on his side of the room. Jeff was lying there watching TV and Nick could feel his eyes on him, but he busied himself a few moments longer by kicking out of his shoes and taking his jacket off to drape over the back of his desk chair. Finally, he was over to his bed and flopped down on the side of it with a heavy sigh, brushing his fingers through his hair to try and tame it and then scratching at the side of his neck where his girlfriend had worked intently on giving him a hickey.

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Nick nodded, but was still quiet for a few moments longer. "Things change when you do that with someone, you know. It's a huge thing in a relationship and I just feel like it's something you should wait to do until you're really sure. It's... well, it's about making love, isn't it? It's sharing yourself with someone in a really private way, and I'm just not sure it's something I wanna be doing until I'm sure. Or... maybe until we're more serious? But then I just feel sort of weird, because everyone else is doing it, right? Some people are doing it and they aren't even in relationships. And those that are are probably doing it for their own reasons. It's just like it's going to take things more serious, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I really like her, but I don't know yet if I love her."

With a small moan of uncertainty, he flopped back onto his bed and gazed up at the ceiling. "What if she's ready and I'm not? She might break up with me for someone else. Maybe I'm just letting my bad experience get in the way, which isn't fair to her at all."

"That makes sense," Jeff agreed. "Totally. I mean... It is kind of a big deal... Hell, I haven't even made out with many chicks... Just that one girl I kissed when we played 7 Minutes in Heaven at that party we had." Jeff wasn't sure why, but hearing that Nick wasn't sure he loved Abi? Kind of relieved Jeff. Maybe he was a little jealous of his best friend spending so much time with someone else. He couldn't be sure.

Jeff shook his head as Nick settled into his bed, and took a few steps over to climb into his own. "If she breaks up with you for not being ready, Nicky... I mean... that would be really awful," Jeff said, rolling over onto his stomach and propping his head up on his hands. "I don't get why she'd do that. She's not a bitch."

Nick was rubbing his eyes with his fists, finding this whole thing had exhausted him. He was a young and relatively fit and healthy teenage guy, so he had no idea why this was playing on him so much. "I'm sort of self-conscious too. I don't know why. Getting naked with someone and, you know, being inside them and stuff. It seems like a huge deal. What if she thinks I look weird? Or what if I get there, and don't really know what to do? I mean, I have an idea. Ethan filled in a lot of the gaps when I interrogated him about it, but I don't know. I might suck."

"I don't mean she's going to break up with me because I'm not ready. She just might have bigger ideas of how it's all supposed to work, and then if things change because of it, we might not work as well as we do. I don't know girls that well. I mean, I do, but not when it comes to this sort of stuff. They might have these amazing ideas, and if I don't live up to it, I'll make her first time suck too, and I don't want that." He gave a small groan and then yawned, rolling onto his side. "I don't know what to do. I mean, it was hot. I was turned on. That was why she thought... you know... she could feel I was turned on. Now I'm just all frustrated, but confused about it."

"I guess it kinda makes sense," Jeff said. "I mean, I think everybody's nervous about that... Except E, but that's different, cuz he's Ethan. But Nicky, I bet you wouldn't suck... You're pretty much the most talented dude I know... So why wouldn't you kick ass in bed, too?" His tone was light and he was trying to cheer Nick up, but he had no idea how well it was working. And she won't think you'll look weird... You're a fine specimen of dude!" he continued, winking at Nick jokingly. "But in all seriousness, you're a good-looking guy, and if she's a virgin, she won't know if your junk looks different compared to other dudes' junk, right?"

"Nicky," Jeff said with a sigh, rolling onto his side to look at Nick intently. "It's totally okay to not be ready... Hell, I'm not ready. I don't think I could even rock the girlfriend thing as well as you have so far. And just cuz you've got a boner doesn't mean you should have sex... I mean... There's like... Other stuff, too, right? So you could do... other stuff if you're ready for that, and..." He shrugged. "It makes sense, you know? Hell, I don't know shit about girls, except what's in porn, and I get the feeling that's not really all that accurate."

Nick knew that all his insecurities right now were telling that he just really wasn't ready to take his relationship with Abi to the next level. He knew that being a teenager, the pressure was on, and he was wondering if he should do it. Hell, they had been dating the same length of time as Kurt and Blaine, who seemed to have the right consistency with everything. It was just the rest of the world that got them down. "Ethan's not a virgin. He hasn't been in ages. That's why he's comfortable with it all. And, yeah, I know I'm not a virgin either, but I don't remember my first time, so it's a bit hard to draw on that experience right now beyond just not wanting to fuck it all up again."

He looked at Jeff quietly for a little bit, frowning with confusion. "I just want it to be amazing the next time I do it. I want to have all those feelings people talk about when they're in love. I want it to be perfect. I want to know when it's all over that I have no regrets. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Do you think I am? Do you think first times like that even exist? Maybe I should ask Blaine? Do you think he would tell me about his first time? If it was all it cracked up to be? Or if maybe I'm just living in fantasy land with fairies and pixies."

"Yeah, I know," Jeff replied gently, really wishing he could figure out what to say to make Nick feel better. Then again, it seemed to him that words really wouldn't fix anything... the only thing that would help, as far as Jeff could tell, would be for Nick to figure out just what was at the root of his discomfort, and begin to work through it.

"Blaine's really awesome. I bet he'd tell you." He paused, contemplating Nick's first question, which he'd left unanswered at first. "I... I think they do. I really hope they do. I mean, whenever I do it, I want it to mean something, you know? And be like... nice, and special... Maybe we're just... young and idealistic or whatever it is people say when you're a kid and you want good stuff to happen."

"I hope so too," Nick said with a sigh and then snorted. "But I'm pretty much walking proof not all first times are epic. I guess that's part of why I'm not sure about any of this. I'm still sort of anxious about that whole thing. Do you know I never told my folks I had sex? I always thought I would tell them if it happened, but I'm so ashamed of the whole thing, I couldn't. Dad gave me a bit of a Talk on Skype the other week about Abi, but he was pretty cool. He didn't embarrass me or anything. I just told him I was pretty sure I had a good idea of what I should be doing..."

He scrunched his nose up and tugged his lips to the side. "I'm fucking tired. This is exhausting. It should be this exhausting." He sat up again, cross-legged this time as he picked at a loose thread on his Dalton blanket. "I'm seriously going to need to jerk off or I'll never sleep tonight."

"I guess that's true, but maybe it's just not right yet," Jeff offered. "You didn't? Wow... I didn't know that. I remember it took you a really long time to tell me, even though I already knew."

Jeff shrugged, pointing at his laptop. "I found this really cool porno today and downloaded it. It's on my jump drive if you wanna watch it. I'll go to sleep so you can do your thing, if you want," he added. It wasn't as if they hadn't taken advantage of each other's being asleep in the past for recreational purposes. And they tended to have pretty similar porn tastes, to boot.

Nick made a small noise that could have been a groan but he sort of cut it off with a wry snort. "I felt so stupid. I was just ashamed, I felt stupid. That wasn't how I wanted it to happen. I always wanted my first time to be pretty cool, something I kept with me was a decent memory forever. I didn't really know why I did want it special because I was young and didn't understand all that, but I just did. I didn't want my parents to be ashamed of me for being just another dickish teenage dude. They always thought so much more of me than that. You, well... I don't know. I didn't want you to think I was stupid either. I didn't realise you were mostly nearby the whole time I was drunk."

He gave Jeff a small smirk, but it fell into a sheepish and guilty look. "Thanks. You're a good friend, Jeff. The best. And another web of bullshit. Abi doesn't know I watch porn. She thinks I'm not like 'other guys'. I couldn't really correct her without feeling like a perve."

"I didn't think you were stupid, Nicky," Jeff offered with a small smile. "I mean, no, it wasn't your best idea ever, but you were drunk. If I remember correctly, which is somewhat doubtful, I think I danced on the coffee table without my shirt at that particular party, so... Not really in a position to judge drunken behaviors."

"What's 'other guys' supposed to mean?" he asked curiously, shifting to crawl under the blankets on his bed. "All of us gross perverted dudes who watch porn?" He laughed lightly at that. "I don't think I know anybody who doesn't watch porn... Except maybe Kurt. It's natural..."

Nick's nose scrunched up again. "It wasn't really an idea at all. I had no idea what they hell I was doing. I have no idea why, even drunk, I thought it was the right thing to do. Plus, the chick was older. It was before I found out I had diabetes too, so I guess the booze went straight to my head. I've learnt to pace myself a bit more these days. I don't actually really like being drunk all that much. I was just doing it before everyone else was. Yeah, I'm a sheep."

"I guess it was something along those lines," he relented with a shrug. "I don't really know for sure. Chicks have all these ideas about what should and shouldn't be, usually influenced by all their other chick friends. Plus, Abi goes to an all-girls school, so I guess that means she gets influenced by her friends a lot just like we do. I don't think she so much thinks it's perverted as she just thinks I'm innocent. And she thinks I'm a virgin, which is a whole other issue in itself..." he groaned and shook his head. "This dating growing up thing sucks sometimes."

"We all do stuff we aren't proud of, Nicky," Jeff offered. "And like you said, you didn't know how alcohol effected you then. That part's not your fault. Like I said... I table danced topless, and I don't have diabetes, so I have no excuse."

Reaching behind him to adjust the pillow, Jeff stared at Nick for a moment. "You... She doesn't know? That you had sex? Nicky, that's kind of... important... You were going to have sex with her without telling her?" It wasn't an accusing question so much as a surprised one. He kind of figured someone had the right to know at the start that they weren't your first. "Yeah... It sounds like it," he agreed, shifting in his bed. With a pause, he turned onto his side to look at his friend. "Nicky, are you sure you're okay?" he asked, worriedly.

Nick shot Jeff a glared amidst a bitchpls look that was something akin to the >:| emoticon. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just imply I was the biggest asshole in the world. I didn't even know she wanted sex with me until tonight. We've not talked about it, it's never come up before, jerk. Maybe I just haven't been ready to discuss that stuff with her yet. She just decided it was a good time, and that was that. I was fine until you insulted me."

He folded his arms over his chest and looked away, scowling. He didn't need Jeff judging him like that. Shit was already confusing enough as it was, and Jeff was the one person he expected to have his back. They were only sixteen! Maybe sex was a regular topic of conversation for some couples, but it didn't come easily to Nick. He got embarrassed and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about the whole thing.

Open mouth, insert foot, Hinton, Jeff thought to himself, before he turned to Nick, shaking his head. "That's not what I meant! You just... You said you guys were already down to your underwear and stuff, and she didn't know, and I just... Nicky, don't get mad at me, please?" He got up out of his bed, tossing the covers back and crossed the room to sit next to Nick, his head still shaking in disbelief at how bad that had sounded.

"I'm sorry, Nicky, I really didn't... I didn't mean to say it that way... It was stupid. I just meant that... Oh, crap, it doesn't matter how I meant it, it came out wrong..." Jeff's heart ached that he'd said something like that when Nick was feeling bad enough already, and he shook his head firmly. "I'm sorry... Nicky, I don't think you're an asshole... I just... I know she sprung it on you and all... I'm not trying to insult you."

Edited 2011-12-16 13:26 (UTC)

Nick just waved his hand and got up to go over to his dresser. "Don't worry about it. I'm going to get a shower and then I'm going to try to get an early night. This whole day needs to be done. I'm over it." He was trying to tell himself to not be upset about Jeff's implication, but it hurt. He wouldn't ever take advantage of a girl like that, in any way. He really liked Abi and he respected her, and the reason he stopped was because he wasn't sure about any of it. He might not have handled it in the best way, but he didn't just keep going and use her like some guys would have.

"Don't worry about the porn, I'm really not in the mood anymore," he added, grabbing out his pyjamas and piling his toiletry bag on top of that and completing the stack with his towel.

Jeff watched as Nick started to get his stuff together, and shook his head. "Nicky, you know I don't think you'd do anything like that on purpose, but it just... I mean, heat of the moment and all that stuff, and I guess I'm just thinking that you should probably tell her sooner rather than later, cuz you don't know when it might happen again, and... I'm gonna worry about it. I just... Sometimes words come out before I get them right in my head. I'm sorry." He felt sick. Absolutely sick to his stomach with the idea of Nick's thinking, even for one moment, that Jeff thought he was a jerk.

"Okay..." Jeff said quietly, realizing that, no matter what he tried to say at this point? This conversation was over, and Nick had already shut down on him. It was his own fault. And maybe that was what made it even worse.

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"I know I'm not alone, just adolescents you and I."

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