alwaysawarbler | "I know I'm not alone, just adolescents you and I."

Entry tags:

"I know I'm not alone, just adolescents you and I."

Who:

warble_on_jeff
What: Pressures of teen life
Where: Nick and Jeff's dorm roon, Dalton Academy
When: Saturday night
Rating: Sexual references

Nick's head was stooped low as he made his way up the spiral staircase of Dalton to head to the dorm wing where the room he shared with Jeff was located. He had his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket and it was probably good the halls were mostly deserted, because he probably would have bumped into someone from not really watching where he was going. He was home a lot earlier than had been anticipated, but there was a reason for that. The anxiety inside him had his stomach in knots, and his head in a swirl of confusion. Maybe he really was coming down with something? It would explain why things hadn't gone according to his girlfriend's plan...

He got to their room and unlocked it with his key. His appearance was a little dishevelled, clothing a little rumpled, hair messed up. He just nudged the door shut behind him and dumped his keys, wallet and cell phone onto his desk on his side of the room. Jeff was lying there watching TV and Nick could feel his eyes on him, but he busied himself a few moments longer by kicking out of his shoes and taking his jacket off to drape over the back of his desk chair. Finally, he was over to his bed and flopped down on the side of it with a heavy sigh, brushing his fingers through his hair to try and tame it and then scratching at the side of his neck where his girlfriend had worked intently on giving him a hickey.

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Jeff looked up from the episode of Mythbusters he'd been watching as Nick walked into the room. His hair was a mess, and Jeff could almost feel the vibe of awkwardness coming off his roommate. Nick was deliberately taking his time looking back at Jeff, and the blonde knew it, though he couldn't place exactly why.

As he settled in the bed across from Jeff's, the blonde sat up, flopping the remote on the bed next to him. Resting his elbows on his knees, and his chin in his hands, he raised his eyes to meet Nick's. "What's going on, Nicky?" he asked, concern showing on his face. "Are you okay?"

Nick shrugged and twisted his lips to the side. "Yeah, I guess." It was all he said at first as he looked at the rug on the floor between their beds. "Maybe not so much? I don't know..."

He sighed again and then leaned over to dig some pyjama pants and a t-shirt out of his drawers with a quick check of the clock to see when his insulin was due. It was soon enough, he could get it out of the way. He got up and went over to his dresser to pick up his injection kit and then brought it back to the bed. "Abi wanted to have sex tonight."

Something was definitely not right, and with his suspicions aroused, Jeff gave Nick a glance that clearly said that he wasn't buying any bullshit. "Nicky," he murmured, trying to gently goad him on toward getting out whatever was bothering him.

It didn't even occur to Jeff why that could be a problem. As far as he knew, people tended to do that when they were dating. "Yeah?" he replied, looking confused. "And? I mean, did she wanna try something freaky or something? You know what they say about private school girls..."

Nick unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off, balling it up to throw over into his laundry hamper. He made a huffy sound of annoyance over the fact anything was even bothering him. It seemed like a stupid thing to be upset about.

He blinked and gave Jeff a confused look, pausing as he pulled out the little vial of insulin with a clean syringe. "No? I mean, I don't think so. I assumed she just wanted it normal. That seemed to be all she wanted. But I just... we got into it, and it was, like, down to our underwear and stuff, and I just chickened out. I dunno. I didn't want it. So, I just told her I was feeling sick and had to go home. I thought I did. It seemed like an okay idea when she suggested it, but once we got going, I didn't. I wimped out, and I don't know why, because she's totally hot. Maybe I should have just done it," he mumbled and then capped the syringe with the needle and pierce the insulin vial with it, drawing it up slowly.

Concern wasn't even the word for it anymore. Nick had Jeff genuinely worried, and he really didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure what to say or do to help Nick process through the situation, but he knew he genuinely wanted to help.

"You... You mean you... You haven't... You're not already..." He stumbled over his words a little bit, not quite knowing how he felt about that. It was an assumption he'd made, though apparently, an incorrect one. He remembered thinking, after Nick and Abi had been together for a bit, that he was kind of pissed Nick never told him about sleeping with her. They were best friends, and he thought something like that should be shared. It made him feel a little better to know that it hadn't happened yet. Actually... a lot better, strangely enough. "Well... I mean, I guess you shouldn't really do it if you don't want to..." He shrugged, watching quietly as Nick prepared the syringe for his injection. "You have no ideas? I mean... No ideas about why you didn't do it?"

Edited 2011-12-05 06:01 (UTC)

Nick flicked the side of the syringe to force any air pockets to the top of it and then squeezed a little of the liquid through the needle to remove them. He chewed on the inner corner of his lip as he thought over the situation and then swabbed the patch on his stomach with an alcohol wipe before injecting himself with the insulin. He took it slow, a process he had learnt not to rush very early on when he used to bruise himself all over when he was learning how to do this. It freaked him out at first, but now it was just second nature.

Once he finished the injection, he withdrew it and pressed a cotton ball over the tiny puncture wound. He glanced up at Jeff and raised his eyebrows. "No... did you think we had? I would have told you that. She said she wanted to for awhile, but wanted to make it special, which I guess she was all with the special dress and date. I just don't wanna make the same mistake twice and do it for all the wrong reasons." He shoved the used needle into his little sharps container and gave a small tired groan. "But we've been dating for awhile, and she is hot. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I'm getting the flu. I just chickened out, I got nervous and then just didn't want to. I didn't even want her to see me... like, you know... I must be getting sick." He pressed the back of his wrist to his forehead, but he didn't feel warm or anything.

Jeff was usually freaked out by needles himself, but he'd become used to Nick's having to inject himself on a regular basis, and he hardly even noticed anymore. It was just something that happened every day, like eating dinner, or going to class.

"Y... yeah," Jeff said, suddenly feeling really stupid about the whole thing. Why had he just assumed? But then again, he was pretty sure everybody had sex when they were dating... It was a logical progression, right? "Well, I kinda thought you would've told me, but then you guys were dating for a while, and you didn't tell me, and I figured you were just being private about it and not saying anything to anyone." He shrugged. "Nicky, it's okay..." Jeff said, rising from his bed to walk over to Nick and look him in the eye. "I... I thought you'd be happy... Abi's really... she's sweet, and she's gorgeous, and... Hell, I'm still kinda surprised you hadn't already... you know... done it." He fell silent again, being struck by how relieved he was that Nick hadn't in fact done it... He felt kind of stupid about it, honestly, but he couldn't help it. And he couldn't make sense of it, either.

"I don't want to make anymore stupid mistakes. I don't even remember losing my virginity, so I want to get it right the next time. It's just like she seems to think we're more progressed than we are. Don't get me wrong, there's been a lot of making out and stuff, and I like hanging out with her. I wouldn't be dating her if I didn't, but sex is just a different level of... stuff." Stuff. It was a word that could cover a whole lot of things without really committing to anything specific. It was because Nick couldn't quite put his finger on what had him so discontent.

He shrugged a shoulder half-heartedly. "I sort of feel like I should be doing it, but at the same time, is that enough of a reason to? Or is the fact we've been dating for, like, eight months now enough of a reason? I wonder when Kurt and Blaine did it. They started dating just before Abi and me. I feel sort of stupid. What dick fakes a sickie to get out of sex? I'm mental."

Jeff let Nick talk, taking in everything he said. It was obvious that there was something deep getting to Nick, but Jeff couldn't begin to fathom what it was. He tilted his head to one side, his brow knit in confusion. "Stuff?" he asked. Jeff had never dated or been anywhere close to having sex, so he wasn't entirely sure what kind of "stuff" sex was a different level of.

"Well, if you're not ready, then you really shouldn't," Jeff reasoned, reaching out to rest his hand on Nick's shoulder. "Maybe you should tell Abi the truth. Cuz you know if you told her you're sick, she's just gonna think that when you feel better, you're going to go for it again. And I'm pretty sure you can't have the stomach flu or something every time you guys go out now..." Jeff gave a weak half-smile. "Nicky, you're really smart, and I know you know what you want and need to do deep down. And if that's waiting, Abi should understand, you know?"

Nick nodded, but was still quiet for a few moments longer. "Things change when you do that with someone, you know. It's a huge thing in a relationship and I just feel like it's something you should wait to do until you're really sure. It's... well, it's about making love, isn't it? It's sharing yourself with someone in a really private way, and I'm just not sure it's something I wanna be doing until I'm sure. Or... maybe until we're more serious? But then I just feel sort of weird, because everyone else is doing it, right? Some people are doing it and they aren't even in relationships. And those that are are probably doing it for their own reasons. It's just like it's going to take things more serious, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I really like her, but I don't know yet if I love her."

With a small moan of uncertainty, he flopped back onto his bed and gazed up at the ceiling. "What if she's ready and I'm not? She might break up with me for someone else. Maybe I'm just letting my bad experience get in the way, which isn't fair to her at all."

"That makes sense," Jeff agreed. "Totally. I mean... It is kind of a big deal... Hell, I haven't even made out with many chicks... Just that one girl I kissed when we played 7 Minutes in Heaven at that party we had." Jeff wasn't sure why, but hearing that Nick wasn't sure he loved Abi? Kind of relieved Jeff. Maybe he was a little jealous of his best friend spending so much time with someone else. He couldn't be sure.

Jeff shook his head as Nick settled into his bed, and took a few steps over to climb into his own. "If she breaks up with you for not being ready, Nicky... I mean... that would be really awful," Jeff said, rolling over onto his stomach and propping his head up on his hands. "I don't get why she'd do that. She's not a bitch."

Nick was rubbing his eyes with his fists, finding this whole thing had exhausted him. He was a young and relatively fit and healthy teenage guy, so he had no idea why this was playing on him so much. "I'm sort of self-conscious too. I don't know why. Getting naked with someone and, you know, being inside them and stuff. It seems like a huge deal. What if she thinks I look weird? Or what if I get there, and don't really know what to do? I mean, I have an idea. Ethan filled in a lot of the gaps when I interrogated him about it, but I don't know. I might suck."

"I don't mean she's going to break up with me because I'm not ready. She just might have bigger ideas of how it's all supposed to work, and then if things change because of it, we might not work as well as we do. I don't know girls that well. I mean, I do, but not when it comes to this sort of stuff. They might have these amazing ideas, and if I don't live up to it, I'll make her first time suck too, and I don't want that." He gave a small groan and then yawned, rolling onto his side. "I don't know what to do. I mean, it was hot. I was turned on. That was why she thought... you know... she could feel I was turned on. Now I'm just all frustrated, but confused about it."

"I guess it kinda makes sense," Jeff said. "I mean, I think everybody's nervous about that... Except E, but that's different, cuz he's Ethan. But Nicky, I bet you wouldn't suck... You're pretty much the most talented dude I know... So why wouldn't you kick ass in bed, too?" His tone was light and he was trying to cheer Nick up, but he had no idea how well it was working. And she won't think you'll look weird... You're a fine specimen of dude!" he continued, winking at Nick jokingly. "But in all seriousness, you're a good-looking guy, and if she's a virgin, she won't know if your junk looks different compared to other dudes' junk, right?"

"Nicky," Jeff said with a sigh, rolling onto his side to look at Nick intently. "It's totally okay to not be ready... Hell, I'm not ready. I don't think I could even rock the girlfriend thing as well as you have so far. And just cuz you've got a boner doesn't mean you should have sex... I mean... There's like... Other stuff, too, right? So you could do... other stuff if you're ready for that, and..." He shrugged. "It makes sense, you know? Hell, I don't know shit about girls, except what's in porn, and I get the feeling that's not really all that accurate."

Nick knew that all his insecurities right now were telling that he just really wasn't ready to take his relationship with Abi to the next level. He knew that being a teenager, the pressure was on, and he was wondering if he should do it. Hell, they had been dating the same length of time as Kurt and Blaine, who seemed to have the right consistency with everything. It was just the rest of the world that got them down. "Ethan's not a virgin. He hasn't been in ages. That's why he's comfortable with it all. And, yeah, I know I'm not a virgin either, but I don't remember my first time, so it's a bit hard to draw on that experience right now beyond just not wanting to fuck it all up again."

He looked at Jeff quietly for a little bit, frowning with confusion. "I just want it to be amazing the next time I do it. I want to have all those feelings people talk about when they're in love. I want it to be perfect. I want to know when it's all over that I have no regrets. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Do you think I am? Do you think first times like that even exist? Maybe I should ask Blaine? Do you think he would tell me about his first time? If it was all it cracked up to be? Or if maybe I'm just living in fantasy land with fairies and pixies."

"Yeah, I know," Jeff replied gently, really wishing he could figure out what to say to make Nick feel better. Then again, it seemed to him that words really wouldn't fix anything... the only thing that would help, as far as Jeff could tell, would be for Nick to figure out just what was at the root of his discomfort, and begin to work through it.

"Blaine's really awesome. I bet he'd tell you." He paused, contemplating Nick's first question, which he'd left unanswered at first. "I... I think they do. I really hope they do. I mean, whenever I do it, I want it to mean something, you know? And be like... nice, and special... Maybe we're just... young and idealistic or whatever it is people say when you're a kid and you want good stuff to happen."

"I hope so too," Nick said with a sigh and then snorted. "But I'm pretty much walking proof not all first times are epic. I guess that's part of why I'm not sure about any of this. I'm still sort of anxious about that whole thing. Do you know I never told my folks I had sex? I always thought I would tell them if it happened, but I'm so ashamed of the whole thing, I couldn't. Dad gave me a bit of a Talk on Skype the other week about Abi, but he was pretty cool. He didn't embarrass me or anything. I just told him I was pretty sure I had a good idea of what I should be doing..."

He scrunched his nose up and tugged his lips to the side. "I'm fucking tired. This is exhausting. It should be this exhausting." He sat up again, cross-legged this time as he picked at a loose thread on his Dalton blanket. "I'm seriously going to need to jerk off or I'll never sleep tonight."

"I guess that's true, but maybe it's just not right yet," Jeff offered. "You didn't? Wow... I didn't know that. I remember it took you a really long time to tell me, even though I already knew."

Jeff shrugged, pointing at his laptop. "I found this really cool porno today and downloaded it. It's on my jump drive if you wanna watch it. I'll go to sleep so you can do your thing, if you want," he added. It wasn't as if they hadn't taken advantage of each other's being asleep in the past for recreational purposes. And they tended to have pretty similar porn tastes, to boot.

Nick made a small noise that could have been a groan but he sort of cut it off with a wry snort. "I felt so stupid. I was just ashamed, I felt stupid. That wasn't how I wanted it to happen. I always wanted my first time to be pretty cool, something I kept with me was a decent memory forever. I didn't really know why I did want it special because I was young and didn't understand all that, but I just did. I didn't want my parents to be ashamed of me for being just another dickish teenage dude. They always thought so much more of me than that. You, well... I don't know. I didn't want you to think I was stupid either. I didn't realise you were mostly nearby the whole time I was drunk."

He gave Jeff a small smirk, but it fell into a sheepish and guilty look. "Thanks. You're a good friend, Jeff. The best. And another web of bullshit. Abi doesn't know I watch porn. She thinks I'm not like 'other guys'. I couldn't really correct her without feeling like a perve."

"I didn't think you were stupid, Nicky," Jeff offered with a small smile. "I mean, no, it wasn't your best idea ever, but you were drunk. If I remember correctly, which is somewhat doubtful, I think I danced on the coffee table without my shirt at that particular party, so... Not really in a position to judge drunken behaviors."

"What's 'other guys' supposed to mean?" he asked curiously, shifting to crawl under the blankets on his bed. "All of us gross perverted dudes who watch porn?" He laughed lightly at that. "I don't think I know anybody who doesn't watch porn... Except maybe Kurt. It's natural..."

Nick's nose scrunched up again. "It wasn't really an idea at all. I had no idea what they hell I was doing. I have no idea why, even drunk, I thought it was the right thing to do. Plus, the chick was older. It was before I found out I had diabetes too, so I guess the booze went straight to my head. I've learnt to pace myself a bit more these days. I don't actually really like being drunk all that much. I was just doing it before everyone else was. Yeah, I'm a sheep."

"I guess it was something along those lines," he relented with a shrug. "I don't really know for sure. Chicks have all these ideas about what should and shouldn't be, usually influenced by all their other chick friends. Plus, Abi goes to an all-girls school, so I guess that means she gets influenced by her friends a lot just like we do. I don't think she so much thinks it's perverted as she just thinks I'm innocent. And she thinks I'm a virgin, which is a whole other issue in itself..." he groaned and shook his head. "This dating growing up thing sucks sometimes."

"We all do stuff we aren't proud of, Nicky," Jeff offered. "And like you said, you didn't know how alcohol effected you then. That part's not your fault. Like I said... I table danced topless, and I don't have diabetes, so I have no excuse."

Reaching behind him to adjust the pillow, Jeff stared at Nick for a moment. "You... She doesn't know? That you had sex? Nicky, that's kind of... important... You were going to have sex with her without telling her?" It wasn't an accusing question so much as a surprised one. He kind of figured someone had the right to know at the start that they weren't your first. "Yeah... It sounds like it," he agreed, shifting in his bed. With a pause, he turned onto his side to look at his friend. "Nicky, are you sure you're okay?" he asked, worriedly.

Nick shot Jeff a glared amidst a bitchpls look that was something akin to the >:| emoticon. "I'm going to pretend you didn't just imply I was the biggest asshole in the world. I didn't even know she wanted sex with me until tonight. We've not talked about it, it's never come up before, jerk. Maybe I just haven't been ready to discuss that stuff with her yet. She just decided it was a good time, and that was that. I was fine until you insulted me."

He folded his arms over his chest and looked away, scowling. He didn't need Jeff judging him like that. Shit was already confusing enough as it was, and Jeff was the one person he expected to have his back. They were only sixteen! Maybe sex was a regular topic of conversation for some couples, but it didn't come easily to Nick. He got embarrassed and he wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel about the whole thing.

Open mouth, insert foot, Hinton, Jeff thought to himself, before he turned to Nick, shaking his head. "That's not what I meant! You just... You said you guys were already down to your underwear and stuff, and she didn't know, and I just... Nicky, don't get mad at me, please?" He got up out of his bed, tossing the covers back and crossed the room to sit next to Nick, his head still shaking in disbelief at how bad that had sounded.

"I'm sorry, Nicky, I really didn't... I didn't mean to say it that way... It was stupid. I just meant that... Oh, crap, it doesn't matter how I meant it, it came out wrong..." Jeff's heart ached that he'd said something like that when Nick was feeling bad enough already, and he shook his head firmly. "I'm sorry... Nicky, I don't think you're an asshole... I just... I know she sprung it on you and all... I'm not trying to insult you."

Edited 2011-12-16 13:26 (UTC)

Nick just waved his hand and got up to go over to his dresser. "Don't worry about it. I'm going to get a shower and then I'm going to try to get an early night. This whole day needs to be done. I'm over it." He was trying to tell himself to not be upset about Jeff's implication, but it hurt. He wouldn't ever take advantage of a girl like that, in any way. He really liked Abi and he respected her, and the reason he stopped was because he wasn't sure about any of it. He might not have handled it in the best way, but he didn't just keep going and use her like some guys would have.

"Don't worry about the porn, I'm really not in the mood anymore," he added, grabbing out his pyjamas and piling his toiletry bag on top of that and completing the stack with his towel.

Jeff watched as Nick started to get his stuff together, and shook his head. "Nicky, you know I don't think you'd do anything like that on purpose, but it just... I mean, heat of the moment and all that stuff, and I guess I'm just thinking that you should probably tell her sooner rather than later, cuz you don't know when it might happen again, and... I'm gonna worry about it. I just... Sometimes words come out before I get them right in my head. I'm sorry." He felt sick. Absolutely sick to his stomach with the idea of Nick's thinking, even for one moment, that Jeff thought he was a jerk.

"Okay..." Jeff said quietly, realizing that, no matter what he tried to say at this point? This conversation was over, and Nick had already shut down on him. It was his own fault. And maybe that was what made it even worse.

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"I know I'm not alone, just adolescents you and I."

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